Message: UNSENT

WHY? WHY? WHY?

I wait for that moment that you can explain why.
Maybe after a year or two.
A decade or maybe not.
But if that moment won’t come,
I guess I just need to accept that for you it was nothing.
Or maybe god will give the answers to these multitudes of questions in my mind.

I am praying for answers
answers to questions I am afraid of the answers
but answers that I need to hear and understand.
For now, I am under God’s healing operation
and I know that in his time, my process will be complete.

This is crazy but I’m praying with you for your finals.
And still praying for your success.
I’m asking myself, “why do I still care?”
Well, I can’t come up with a reasonable defense to this craziness.
But I know this has to stop as you are having a life of your own.
I also need to keep moving forward.

I had so much things to tell you but I need to end this
To surrender all the pain to god
and let him deal with this brokenness.

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Getting Through

Never thought it was this hard.
Never thought it was this painful.
Never thought I will come this far.
I must have underestimated the struggle of “moving on”

There’s a lot of things I never knew
Things I never imagined nor expected
Pain I don’t want to be felt and made me want to feel numb
But one thing I know that is right,
I must not bother you because you’re fine, and
I need to deal with this and move on.

I am indecisive and I hate it
I said I want this and later on take it back.
But now, I don’t want to hurt you and my mentor again.
My decision, as of now, does not make sense
But, someday, it will do.

I always say “I can do this” but this time, I can’t.
I am tired, weak, and afraid. I am broken.
I cannot fix myself, but the Lord can and He will!
Lord, help me get through this, help me win in this
Help me fix my focus on you alone, on Your love that never ends.

THE SOLUTION: Writing and More

“Mahirap masanay sa mga bagay na mawawala din pala sa huli.”
(“It’s hard to get used to something that will be lost eventually”)

I love sharing how incredible or awful my day was to someone closest to me. Exciting or boring, extraordinary or not, non-sense or not, from the highlights of the day up to the smallest details, I told it. I don’t know exactly why but there’s something about this that makes me feel ecstatic! And the good thing about sharing this is that no matter how significant or pointless my stories are, I know (or atleast I believe) that he listened and always will.

However, because of the decisions we made (whether right or wrong) people in our lives leave (intentionally or not). And this is the start of the problem. Sadly, something had not worked out (or I should say that there’s really nothing to work out in the first place) with a friend whom I used to tell all of these endless stories with so much excitement (and seldom not because I’m too lazy to type a looooong text message). I will not go into the detail of how I blew it up and burned everything to ashes (I admit that it was my fault and he also thinks it was really mine. So yea, the blame is on me.). But the problem is this, I had no one to tell these stories to.

Earlier today, something really unexpected happened. Suddenly, I found myself thinking of how will I describe this scenario and put it into a story. And I felt a cold and numbing thought, “Wait”, I said to myself, “with whom will I tell this, exactly? Because as far as I remembered, I had no one. Throughout the day, this really keeps on knocking me off, over and over again. Until I said to myself, “No. I won’t be like this forever. I will get over this season. This is only for a season, it will end.” That is when I started looking around.

As I looked around, I found out that there are still people around me who cares and waits for me to share my stories with them. Also, I was reminded of the profound truth: God is always with us. He will stay with us even when everybody left. He will always protect and will always care to listen even when no one does.

Lastly, I found my laptop and decided to make this blog and writing as an instrument of my expression. I initially thought of writing it to him and maybe, just maybe, send it to him,. Then I realized it was a crazy idea; it’s like investing on a coin bank with a big whole at the bottom. It’s of no use and good. And yes, I will write more and more not only to cope up with this drastic situation (Nah, I’m exaggerating it! hahaha. It’s bad, not drastic) but also to enhance and to grow in writing. Also, writing is beneficial for someone like me who tends to forget everything. Haha. My memory has failed a lot of time, I mean it! So writing will be a great help to remind me of what happened and everything.

To every problem, there’s a solution. Sometimes, an answer doesn’t just fall from the tree but needs to be searched. Take time to look around because the answers might be just beside us.

Traveler Mode: Loading

It’s always been my desire to travel!! And I’ve found an article at Traveletters.net that could really help me in my future adventures.

Check this out: http://www.travelettes.net/100-things-i-wish-someone-told-me-before-i-first-started-travelling/

WRITTEN BY MARIE C 28 SEPTEMBER 2013

Here are some of my favorites:

#1. Take pictures. Always. Everywhere. If you forgot/lost your camera, buy a disposable. Everybody will grumble and hate you for being the annoying camera person during the trip, then send you ‘thank you’/‘you’re awesome’/‘will you marry me?’ notes at the end of it. 

#3. Before leaving, scan your ID and send it to yourself via email. Replacement procedure way simplified if it gets stolen!

#5. Travelling is a lot of waiting. Bring a book.

#9. Research as much as you can before your trip: there are so many things you will regret to have missed out of lack of knowledge!

#16. When you’re starting to panic, concentrate on the feeling of your feet touching the ground as you walk — or on your breathing if you’re sitting still. Now put things back in perspective.

#18. When your guidebook specifies it’s preferable not to drink water from the tap, do not drink water from the tap — or parasites and antibiotics are likely to follow.

#19. Ice cubes are made from tap water. Ask for drinks without ice.

20. Always take a pair of scissors — but not in your carry-on.

22. Pack your shampoo, perfume and all other products that are prone to leakage in a sealed plastic bag(Ziploc zipper bags are the best). This is also true for makeup removing wipes, which tend to leak when hard pressure is applied on the packet — i.e. whenever you check-in your bag on a plane.

23. Keep a travel journal. You don’t need to describe in detail everything you saw and what food you ate and how the bus was late — guaranteed to have you quit after 2 days —, but rather try to focus on your impressions: how it made you feel, what that smell reminded you of, how you bonded with that person. It’s a pain to do this on the spot, but you will thank yourself forever. Oh, and also write down the address of that cool place you visited so you can find it again.

28. Even if you’re wearing sunscreen, don’t sit in the sun past 10 am if you’re anywhere near the equator.

29. Your skull is skin as well. Put a little bit of sunscreen on your parting, or it will burn, peel, and make you look like you have dandruff. Eew.

34. If your old phone is still working, keep it and recycle it as your loosable/breakable travel phone: phones tend to disappear during trips — or to be found at the bottom of a cup full of water the morning after a party.

35. Eat fruit and vegetables. Fatty comfort food is always what you crave on the road; but your body needs to be fed some vitamins once in a while!

 39. Always carry some water with you.

46. Always carry an energy bar around; it will save you when everything is closed and you need a snack, like, now.

61. Don’t pack just one pair of shoes. If they get drowned during a rainstorm and need a few days to dry, you’re stuck.

62. When you feel like your body has reached its limits, go to bed. You’re not going to have any fun by pushing yourself to stay up when your brain has decided to go to sleep anyway.

66. A universal plug adapter is a great investment: you pack it every time you go on a trip, no questions asked.

71. You can use Google Maps offline on your phone: preload the maps you need while you are connected to wi-fi (remember to zoom in close enough), then the GPS will be able to geolocate you on those even when you’re offline.

72. Never eat right near tourist attractions: terrible overpriced food guaranteed. Have a look through the backstreet, and go where not everyone is carrying a camera!

75. Power-nap: you can’t spend the day roaming the streets of a city, running from one site to the other, and then go out all night for too many days in a row. Unless you nap for an hour before dinner: energy levels restored, you’re good to go.

76. Pack a small padlock; in most hostels you will need it to close your locker and protect your most precious belongings.

81. Learn to know which friends you like traveling with: the person you love sinking beers with on Saturdays might be a nightmare on the road. If you’re planning some long-term travel with someone (i.e. several weeks), go away on a weekend together first as a test!

82. Budget your trip. Be aware that you’ll spend more than what you planned.

83. Don’t drink coffee or beer before a several-hour-long bus ride.

84. Print your best photos and stick them into photo albums. Or print photo books. Just don’t leave them lingering in your computer!

91. Don’t pack anything that you couldn’t bear to lose.

95. Tourist and traveler are not two distinct categories, but rather two conditions that you can embrace when you choose to. It’s okay to enjoy mainstream attractions and super cliché moments — it’s also more interesting to get off the beaten track from time to time.

98. When you return, you’ll feel numb and things will seem weirdly normal for about a week. Then reality will hit.

99. Don’t assume you know it all because you survived your first backpacking trip. Or your tenth.

100. When things get rough, remember how *blessed you are to be travelling

In Limbo

Limbo

Limbo is a state of uncertainty.

Without searching, I found you,
Like how the air meets my lungs.
No hesitation, I welcomed you,
And gave you this golden ticket.
But don’t you worry, I’m fine.

No day was ordinary,
No story was untold,
No topic was boring,
No single “feels” was kept.
But don’t you worry, I’m fine.

Everyday conversations and greetings
Your words always lighten things up.
The cheers and the promises,
Made me felt secured and loved.
But don’t you worry, I’m fine.

Your intentions, back then, clear and pure.
Yet you asked nothing in return.
I believed nothing was wrong,
But I lost myself from keeping you mine.
But don’t you worry, I’m fine.

Brave or coward, I spoke,
Asking for what I called “Assurance”
For certainty of this precious friendship.
Why then do I find myself uncertain?
But don’t you worry, I’m fine.

How can I be selfish all this time?
After causing you such pain,
Fear of losing you crept in,
It hurts, I couldn’t ask you to stay.
But don’t you worry, I’m fine.

You said, you will be fine
This was never really a goodbye
You just need to rebuild yourself
I will be fine, won’t I? I hope so.
Floating in this limbo, I closed my eyes.