NOW IS NOT THE TIME

Tomorrow, June 12, 2015, our church will have a free worship concert with the title: “Now Is The Time”. It was inspired by one of Planetshakers’ (a well-known Christian Band) song This Is Our Time. Part of our preparation included discussing what are the now-is-the-time-things for us, as a church and individually. Some examples are: Now is the time for the whole church to step out to the comfort zone brought by the walls of the sanctuary, now is the time to win Fairview, Quezon City (our place) for Jesus, now is the time to set up a place (like a mall) for God to show up, now is the time to make things right, now is the time to expect something new, big and unexpected things from the Lord and a lot more of these. Ironically, this is where I got my title.

Recently, I’ve undergone one of my dark areas in life. It was hard and painful yet I’m still thankful. Saying that it is a love issue, or puppy love problem as how a close friend say it, is so shameful for me. This was one of the problems I least expected to encounter because I was never interested in this “love-thingy” or at least I thought I wasn’t. It’s hard to admit, but that’s what happened. The situation was so complicated. But I know that what I did was wrong. I was wrong.

As a kid, I loved watching fairytales, movies, televisions and even read storybooks about love. This might be the reason why I built a wrong mentality about relationships that was far different than what it is in reality or how God created it to be. Spoiler alert, my idea was crazy!

Movies and books portrayed to me a man who would fight for his beloved girl NO MATTER WHAT (in Filipino, this is the “hahamakin ang lahat” moment). This no-matter-what includes the oppoistion of everyone, the undying commitment, everything, even when the girl doesn’t like him. Unconsciously, I had this thinking that even if I don’t like someone but because he like me, I am expecting that he will pursue me and he would cry out to the Lord that I might be his. (By the way it’s so important to me that he or we have God’s approval. He must be after God’s heart first, not mine.) Okay, the crazy part is being unfold. Haha. I want someone, whom after I couldn’t payback any efforts, after receiving countless rejections from me, after being friend-zoned and seen-zoned a lot of times will not stop pursuing me because he knows that I am the one given by God and will never stop pursuing me, will not deny his feelings for me until I opened up my heart for him. Sorry, you might be saying to me, “who do you think you are?”, but this was my reality.

This mentality is one of the reasons why I blew out everything (including the friendship that was DEAREST to me). I was expecting him to be like this ideal person. But he wasn’t. Now, I’ve come to my senses that this idea was crazy and selfish. Honestly, I don’t fully understand what love is, what God’s love is. But I am sure that with this crazy mentality I have and I want, THIS IS NOT LOVE because LOVE IS NOT SELFISH. This is not what the Author of Love designed it to be.

Like what I mentioned earlier, I am thankful for this. I was sad because we no longer talk today (but I’m still praying that we will be friends again, if it’s God’s will). But I am happy for the reason that I’ve learned a lot of things that I had first hand. I’ve learned that:

Now is not the time to pursue that kind of relationship.
Now is not the time to go on a date.
Now is not the time to be selfish.

And,

Now is the time to pursue God alone.
Now is the time to be more like Him.
Now is the time to love God.
Now is the time to love people.

As it is written in Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NIV), 8a (MSG)

Verse 1 “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven”

Verse 8 “A right time love…”

Today, I will do what the Lord is telling me to do. I know that God’s greatest commandment is to love God and my neighbor that’s why I am praying to God that I might grow deeper in loving Him and the people. But falling in love to the man that the Lord prepared for me, I know that NOW IS NOT THE TIME. How about you, what are your “now-is-not-the-time-moment”?

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This Is Why I’m Guarded

Now, I am guarded.
Not by myself nor by anybody BUT BY THE LORD

Thought Catalog

There’s a reason why my walls are built so high, and there’s a reason it will take you longer than expected to bring them down. There’s a reason why I’m guarded.

I’m guarded because I’ve been hurt before. We all have. My weakness is that I carry the pain with me as a constant reminder that it could happen again. And while this is such a cautious way to walk through life, while instead I could be wildly sprinting, the wild sprint has made me fall and trip before, and the scrapes and burns were painful. So painful that it takes a while to try and run that fast again. So I walk, and I walk carefully noticing my surroundings because I worry if I were to ever fall that hard again, I might not be able to get back up.

I’m guarded because I’m scared of what you’ll think…

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