Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows.
But take heart, because I have overcome the world.
John 16:33 NLT
Christian walk isn’t always sunny.
Last week I had a not so okay week where almost everything around be seemed to be collapsing but I needed to look okay. But I never stopped praying. I find it funny as I realized how irrational my prayer was in that desperate moment. I know I’m not too far, but I know there’s more – more to dig deeper. I know there is! There must be! I just don’t know how to go there.
An unexpected appointment.
What to do when you had an appointment but your meeting mate hadn’t showed up? I attended our 2nd morning worship service to hear our senior pastor so I can write something for the recap of the series on Tuesday.
Worship time came and I was there just crying (literally) whether the song was fast or slow not caring what others (including my leaders think) just pouring out my heart to my Father. Then I thought, who could I come to and ask for help? I know I MUST be accountable to my leaders and this is not a valid excuse but the last time I opened up truthfully to a someone it did not go well. I thought of a friend from Singapore who has been a mother to me. I thought maybe she could help me. But the fear of this personal issue reaching my boss was unbearable. I asked God what should I do and pleaded could He send someone. Surprisingly, we had a guest speaker from Singapore!
A familiar voice.
Our guest pastor talked about “The Heart of a True Worshiper”. Then I laughed to myself and said, of course, I should worship. I know I needed the Holy Spirit. I know that I had deprived myself of drawing near to His living water and presence.
Altar call came and no one came to the front. I felt the Holy Spirit calling me to admit my need for Him but I had 3 reasons not to go:
1. I’m sitting in the middle of the row
2. I’m wearing high heels
3. What would my leaders think of me?
But one reason made me go to the altar – because GOD CALLED ME AND HE IS ALL I NEED.
I came in front, praising Him, crying, speaking in tongues and God impressed in my heart:
“I love you this much! I canceled your appointment so I could meet you. I made this man to stop by your church to remind you that you are my child. I have even come down to show you that I love you and I am the God with you. I came down, took the cross, died and resurrected. But I never abandoned you nor I ever will. The Holy Spirit came who wants to live in you, have fellowship with you and love you. I have come down to that deepest pit you’re stuck with and rescued you because I love you my daughter.”
Thank you Jesus!
To My Almost Lover,
Thank you for not taking me to the next level. Thank you for not letting me take risks. Thank you for refusing my feelings back. Thank you for saying no. Thank you for not losing a friend. Thank you for my emotions are still in a state of equilibrium, not profound nor superficial. I would always be grateful for the little infinity we’ve had. I would always cherish every moment I had with you.
This isn’t a sentiment but a form of regard. Majority would’ve called this a heartbreak but mine was a lesson. I learned not to make hasty decisions. I learned to set my standards not to the sense of greater expectations. I learned to love myself a little more for you’ve brought me to my value. I learned to wait patiently for you taught me not to assume for something more. I learned that not all love stories have happy endings, that not all “almosts” reaches higher stages. I learned to draw the line. I would be always grateful for the wisdom you directly implied. I would be always grateful with you.
We could’ve been the future but it was a gratitude for not dragging us to be each other’s pasts. You staying in my present is more than enough. I’m happy with what we have right now. I guess this is how it really goes. You’re merely an approximation but however, there are things inevitable for some reasons. There are things badly needed our approval. That not all you want you’ll always get.
– a letter I wrote after you left
Words by PseudoSparks
Photo from cherrybam
“That is why I need some time… And it is also why you need the same.”
“So, I’m going to give you that space and promise not to pursue you until God has made it clear that you are in the right season in your faith.”
“Do not worry into love because being joined with a person out of season is one of the most painful things someone can experience.”
“Which is why we must join together in patience, even though we are apart.”
“Here is what we are working towards and the third thing I need you to know: God has asked me to be so much like Christ that you are able to submit to me as unto Him (Ephesians 5:22-33)”
“But when God gives me a peace about the continual growth of my own faith, I will know and I’ll be obedient to pursue you. And you will know that it is me because I will respectfully, tactfully, and politely pursue you with very clear intentions. ”
“know that it’s me because I’ll be respectful and not flirting with you via text. Know that it’s me because I’ll be clear that I’m asking you on a date and won’t create an atmosphere where you have to question what we are doing or where we stand. Know that it’s me because when we are dating, I’ll not only be respectful of your emotional and physical boundaries, but also have some of my own. And know that it’s me because I’ll be more interested in your faith and what your relationship with Jesus looks like than being romantic and creating surface level connections.”
“So join with me in individually submitting to God…Even if that means that there actually isn’t a Mr. or Mrs. Right waiting for us… Can we be ok with that? Can we trust God and be okay with whatever the outcome, knowing that we have already received all we need in His Son?”
THINKING AND PRAYING FOR YOU ❤
Dear daughters of God,
Contrary to what you have heard, I do exist. I’m no fairytale hunk with big muscles and thing for chick flicks (although, I may or may not have a man bun). So, put your daydreams of love off to the side for a minute and let me tell you what makes me, “Mr. Right” and why people keep telling you to wait for me.
The first thing I really want for you to understand is that I was not born your Mr. Right. I promise we weren’t destined to cross paths and lock eyes from across a crowded room and fall hopelessly in love. God has been working in my heart for YEARS! Do you realize what was in my heart before Christ saved me?! Of course you don’t because we haven’t met yet, but I can promise you it is equally as crazy and sinful as…
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Now, I am guarded.
Not by myself nor by anybody BUT BY THE LORD
There’s a reason why my walls are built so high, and there’s a reason it will take you longer than expected to bring them down. There’s a reason why I’m guarded.
I’m guarded because I’ve been hurt before. We all have. My weakness is that I carry the pain with me as a constant reminder that it could happen again. And while this is such a cautious way to walk through life, while instead I could be wildly sprinting, the wild sprint has made me fall and trip before, and the scrapes and burns were painful. So painful that it takes a while to try and run that fast again. So I walk, and I walk carefully noticing my surroundings because I worry if I were to ever fall that hard again, I might not be able to get back up.
I’m guarded because I’m scared of what you’ll think…
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Maybe I’m beginning to like you a lot,
but I will never pursue you.
Around me, I’m tempted by all these pawns
calling me to use them,
looking me in the eye, saying
maybe you and I can ”accidentally” bump into each other in a coffee shop;
maybe we can schedule “friendly dates” with a bunch of conniving friends;
maybe I can start “innocent” topics with you over that gleaming chat box,
ask you things that no one would brand as bad,
I can even send you “wrong sends.”
But even this early, I realized
that albeit pawns are the most numerous pieces in a game,
at the end of the day,
they are but
Don’t get me wrong -
I want to be with you.
Just to get to know you more,
I am ready to manipulate
so many things -
things I can hide in my heart’s darkest cellars
things you would never have to know
And I am so sorry
if so many times
I feel terribly inclined to make things happen
in a forced manner
through the methods I uncannily know;
and always try to get in your way
even if most of the time,
it’s way out of mine.
I would never want to know
how it is to look at you
knowing that only my own human hands
engineered the story
we so thoughtlessly call ours.
I choose not to get my hands dirty.
I will not move my cards -
use things, use people
just to get to you.
I will be secure
even if we do not get to be together
as often as I would want us to.
I will be happy
even if we do not get to know each other
as fast as I want us to.
I will not sulk
if I do not get my way
in trying to make way
for us to finally talk.
I choose to be secure
even if such things are way out of my control.
Perhaps my heart will rest more happily
knowing that I have never orchestrated things
by employing selfish methods;
never cheated you
by whispering my own words through other people’s mouths,
never betrayed you
by telling you at the end of the day
that it is I who made everything possible,
that it is I who worked behind the scenes,
that it is I who controlled and manipulated everything
just like some pathetic cheater
in any easy exam.
If anything, maybe I can write these things about you in secret
then just tell you everything (laughingly) in the future.
Plenty of time to bide,
to try to improve myself,
become a better woman.
But one thing I’ll never do is pursue you.
I’ll never do the pursuing
the making way
the getting to know
And the trying to be close to you part.
Because it’s not my part.
I’ll stick to the part that I know -
and that is to keep my heart pure.
That when love finally finds me
I’ll know that what I have is divine.
My part is to trust God,
to fix my eyes on Him,
to acknowledge His sovereignty in all my life’s areas
I don’t want human hands
I want the only Hands that matter –
That as I wait, He’ll be my only delight
my singular motive,
my one true purpose;
for His will and His person
to become my life's utmost concern.
I’ll never pursue you or anyone else.
I’ll pursue the One
who loves me best,
knows me best,
and who’s the only authority to deem it best
if ever you are the one
I should have in my life…
Until then, I may find myself liking you too much,
but I will never pursue you.